There are times when we reminisce, look back, day dream about the past. Sometimes I find my mind wandering back and I snap myself out of it. We are often told not to look back, the past is over etc. I tend to agree. I believe that despite our experiences of the past we tend to look back with rose tinted glasses.
Even the pain and difficulties and bad experiences that I went through, there is a lot of it I have forgotten, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to remember it as it was, to constantly re experience the hurt first hand but the fact that I don’t and I can’t means that I don’t remember it exactly as it was.
The quote above comes from Alice in Wonderland, there is something about the books and the films that strike a chord with me and when I read ‘I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.’ I knew that it fully explains exactly where I am right now.
This year I turn 30 and I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me but it is. I suppose it’s because I always believed that I would have everything figured out by now, that my life would be ‘perfect’ and I have no idea what I mean by that because to be honest my life is pretty perfect.
Ok, I have a dysfunctional family, I don’t have a job right now but life in general is pretty good and the reason for that is me and my outlook. I have got to a place where all of the periphery things – house, job etc. They just don’t matter so much to me as they used to. I may even be overcoming my suffocating role as people pleaser and learning to be more independent and speak my mind -kindly and with care of course.
I suppose when I was 18, the age where I truly believed I knew everything, I thought that by 30 I would be married with 2.4 children. I am married but there are no children. Now this post is not going to delve into the child issue but suffice to say despite the pressures of the world I am happy with the fact I don’t have children. That’s not to say I don’t want them.
When I think of myself at 16, 18, 21 even 25 – I am so much different to the girl I was then and I’m glad about it. I’m glad that at 29 I feel more secure in who I am, more prepared to be honest and share who I really am, less conscious of what people think – no longer tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy. I feel much more on an even keel and that seems strange considering I am financially the least secure I have ever been.
So, maybe the truth is my life is ‘perfect’ in the year I turn 30 it’s just not the ‘perfect’ I had in mind when I was younger. Sometimes, I look back and miss some of the good times but there are plenty more to come, sometimes I look back and miss people but the best people stuck around, sometimes I look back and wonder how I managed to make it through but I did.
There’s a big part of me that is glad that I can’t go back to yesterday because I’m not who I was and I’m still not quite who I’m going to be.