“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”

There are times when we reminisce, look back, day dream about the past. Sometimes I find my mind wandering back and I snap myself out of it. We are often told not to look back, the past is over etc. I tend to agree. I believe that despite our experiences of the past we tend to look back with rose tinted glasses.

Even the pain and difficulties and bad experiences that I went through, there is a lot of it I have forgotten, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to remember it as it was, to constantly re experience the hurt first hand but the fact that I don’t and I can’t means that I don’t remember it exactly as it was.

The quote above comes from Alice in Wonderland, there is something about the books and the films that strike a chord with me and when I read ‘I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.’ I knew that it fully explains exactly where I am right now.

This year I turn 30 and I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me but it is. I suppose it’s because I always believed that I would have everything figured out by now, that my life would be ‘perfect’ and I have no idea what I mean by that because to be honest my life is pretty perfect.

Ok, I have a dysfunctional family, I don’t have a job right now but life in general is pretty good and the reason for that is me and my outlook. I have got to a place where all of the periphery things – house, job etc. They just don’t matter so much to me as they used to. I may even be overcoming my suffocating role as people pleaser and learning to be more independent and speak my mind -kindly and with care of course.

I suppose when I was 18, the age where I truly believed I knew everything, I thought that by 30 I would be married with 2.4 children. I am married but there are no children. Now this post is not going to delve into the child issue but suffice to say despite the pressures of the world I am happy with the fact I don’t have children. That’s not to say I don’t want them.

When I think of myself at 16, 18, 21 even 25 – I am so much different to the girl I was then and I’m glad about it. I’m glad that at 29 I feel more secure in who I am, more prepared to be honest and share who I really am, less conscious of what people think – no longer tying myself in knots trying to keep everyone happy. I feel much more on an even keel and that seems strange considering I am financially the least secure I have ever been.

So, maybe the truth is my life is ‘perfect’ in the year I turn 30 it’s just not the ‘perfect’ I had in mind when I was younger. Sometimes, I look back and miss some of the good times but there are plenty more to come, sometimes I look back and miss people but the best people stuck around, sometimes I look back and wonder how I managed to make it through but I did.

There’s a big part of me that is glad that I can’t go back to yesterday because I’m not who I was and I’m still not quite who I’m going to be.


About Louise

30 something teacher, wife, christian, Loves singing, baking, cats, encouragement, sunsets, walks, the sea, reading, smiling, laughing, being around people.
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4 Responses to “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”

  1. Tim Lundmark says:

    Thirty was a tough age for me to turn. I tried my best to handle it with grace, but instead felt my mortality creep to the forefront. I wish I could never go back to the past but for some reason it always seems to be on a repeat cycle in my head. I am the most financially secure as I have ever been, but no where near mentally.

  2. Justine Hay says:

    I know what you mean about the past, sometimes we do look back with rose tinted glasses, mostly I don’t though – the past for me is a very unhappy place and one I don’t want to go back to. I try as much as possible to look to the future and learn from my mistakes. I’m not quite 30 yet only 28 but the whole turning 30 does worry me as like you I expected things to be a lot different by then than they are now, but I do think we always expect more from ourselves and no matter how ‘perfect’ life is we will always think it’s not and want better.

    Just wanted to say also how much I love your blog posts, each one of them gets me thinking and reflecting. So thank you for writing these.

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